How to Conjure a Birthday Gift for Under $15 in Under 15 Minutes

Step 1: Take a mildly forgetful 8-year-old girl.
Step 2: Add the usual morning dawdle.
Step 3: Throw in an exhausted mum.
Step 4: Combine "1 week til next payday" with "I just paid rent".
Step 5: Mix well.

Step 6: To the above mixture, add "You know that play date I have with E this afternoon? It's actually her birthday party, and I don't have a present."

Step 7: Close your eyes, breathe deeply and count to 1,000. Repeat.

Step 8: Rummage through the "Stuff People Have Given Me That I Will NEVER Use" shelf of the linen closet.

Step 9: Lay hands on a cute, girly photo album/scrapbooky thingy.
Step 10: Root around for the pretty paper bag you know you saved to use as wrapping paper, your "sewing scissor" (which has been used so many times to cut things OTHER than fabric that you have given up and relegated it to wrapping paper duty), some cello tape and some loverly, scrummy ribbon.

Step 11: Realize that the photo album/scrapbooky thingy on its own will NOT thrill an 8-year-old girl. Simultaneously realize that you only have about $15 in your wallet. Including change.

Step 12: Send eldest son to nearby convenience store to buy a 3-pack of disposable cameras. "The ones that are on sale; not the good ones." ('Cause an 8-year-old won't care, right? Right?)

Step 13: Cut pretty paper bag to size. Wrap photo album/scrapbooky thingy and camera 3-pack separately. Stack on top of each other and tie together with lots of the loverly, scrummy ribbon. Top with a HUGE, 6-looped bow. (Presentation counts, people.)

Step 14: Cut a "card" out of the remaining pretty paper bag. Have your daughter write "to: E from: H" on the "card" with a Sharpie.

Step 15: HUSTLE to school.

Step 16: Kiss your cherub good-bye. Walk to bus stop. Catch bus.

Step 17: Reflect on what a spectacular mother you are. Truly.


Parenthood (especially of the single-handed variety) is not for the faint of heart, folks.